Sincere Deception Read online

  Disregarding my statement, he continued to ask me how I knew Lee and John, what my intentions were with them, and what their intentions were with me.

  “Just like I told Autumn and Kelis… I do not have any intentions with them. I am not interested in falling in love with anyone. I am not interested in marrying anyone. I am not interested in anything besides having fun, relaxing, and enjoying my youth.”

  “So in other words, the only thing you are interested in is being a gold-digger. Spending these men’s money, letting them buy your fancy cars and clothes, while you give them your goodies whenever they want it.”

  Sitting there with my mouth wide open, I could not believe the words my brother had the audacity to utter. “I am not a gold-digger,” I said, my voice trembling. “Just because I’m fucking two men, letting them buy me things, and take care of me, that does not mean I’m a gold-digger.”

  “Whether you like the way it sounds or not… the term that you are looking for is gold-digger, Ava. If you are sleeping with a man with no intentions of pursuing a long-term relationship, you are nothing short of a groupie.”

  “Well, if that’s what you would like to call me, I guess that’s what I am. But every time I have tried to give my heart to a man, be loyal to a man, or let a man inside to see the real me… I have always gotten lied to, played with, and cheated on. I really don’t see why I should sit here and expect any man to love me unconditionally and treat me like a woman, when every man I allowed into my life decided to do the exact same thing—hurt me.”

  “I get that, Ava, and I know you probably don’t believe me. You don’t know how many times I’ve heard a woman say that exact same thing. But just as I’ve told them… finding someone to love you is not your job. Making someone love you is not your responsibility, and neither is trying to convince someone that you’re worth loving. Your only task when it comes to love is to be who you are. Whether that person does fall in love with you or not, that should never be your reasons for falling out of love with yourself. You have to know your worth regardless—even if the man you love cannot recognize that too.” He sat up and scooted himself closer to me. “Do not let the heartache Eugene caused you, change you from the woman you were always meant to be. Mamma didn’t raise you to be a man’s hump bucket. You were built to become a lover, a wife, a mother… not a hoe. You are my sister, and I love you. I will always love you.” He placed a kiss upon my cheek, and then threw his arms around me.

  Although I refused to respond, I knew that my brother was right. In my heart, I knew my actions had only surfaced due to the painful past I never got the chance to heal from. I couldn’t tell him that, though, because I couldn’t even admit that to myself.

  “I gotta go, but if you need me, please do not hesitate to call. I’ll stop by sometime later on this week.”

  Followed by his statement, he continued towards the door and made his exit. I continued to sit on the couch staring in a daze. I simply did not know how to express my emotions. I had been ignoring them for so long, I couldn’t comprehend them. So I just sat there, closed my eyes, and let the silent tears race down my heart.

  CHAPTER 13

  A BITTER SWEET SURPRISE

  Besides Jalisa, vibrators and Tequila became my two best friends. Lee was away on business, and John was attending to his other side chick. So, there I was lying in my bed with a stomach full of liquor, and a vibrator positioned precisely against my clitoris. Within minutes, I climaxed, leaving a horrible cramp in my big toe, sweat dripping down my body, and my heart beating fast. As the sensation of my canal started to relax, I heard a knock on the door. With messy hair, and a trace of sex drenched inside my fingertips, I jumped out of bed, ran to the bathroom to wash my hands, and then answered the door.

  Unable to believe what was in front of me, my eyes lit when I saw my aunt and favorite little cousin standing there.

  “Oh my goodness!” I said, reaching out to hug them both. “What are you two doing here?” I let them inside the house, led them to the living room, and invited them to take a seat. “So, how are you guys doing? Where’s Katherine? I haven’t seen you all since the funeral!”

  Katrina, my aunt, is my mother’s big sister. Jessica, my cousin, is Katrina’s oldest daughter. I hadn’t seen them since my mother and sister’s funeral—ten months before.

  “We were in town spending a week at your aunt Beverly’s home,” my aunt announced. “Jessica begged me to bring her over here to see you. Katherine is still in California at home with her father.”

  Nodding my head, I said, “Oh, I see. Well, I’m glad you two could visit town. It’s very nice to see you after so long.”

  A few seconds of silence took hold of the room, and then my aunt asked me, “So, how are you? How have you been holding up since the funeral?”

  “I’ve been alright. I mean, I can never say it’s been easy losing my mother and sister… but I’ve been taking it one day at a time.”

  “Yes, that’s all you can do, Sweetie. Take it one day at a time. I’ve been saying that since the day I got divorced. I mean, Arthur and I had been married for nineteen years—since before Jessica was even born. Now that we’re not in each other’s lives, everything just feels different—”

  “Did Mamma tell you she’s dating again?” Jessica asked me, cutting her mother off.

  “No, she didn’t,” I responded. “Who are you dating?”

  “She’s dating a criminal. His name is Tyrone. He just got out of prison. He spent two years there for possession of drugs, and they’ve been involved for six months. Actually… Tyrone is the reason my sister decided to live with my father. She can’t stand Mamma’s new boyfriend.”

  Not knowing whether to ask questions, or mind my own damn business, I simply sat there.

  “Jessica, mind your business,” Auntie told her. She then sighed and laughed nervously. “Yes, I’ve been dating a man from prison, and yes, part of the reason Katherine asked to move in with her father was because of that… but Tyrone is a good man. He treats me wonderfully, he loves my children, and he takes good care of us.”

  “Is he living with you?” I asked.

  “Yes, he is. He moved in shortly after we started dating.”

  “How did you two meet?”

  “We met at Disney World in July—Jessica’s birthday.”

  “Are you in love with him?”

  “Yes, I must say I am. My children of course doesn’t seem to understand it, but Tyrone has been nothing but great to me.”

  The more my aunt talked, the more I could sense the pain and resentment in her heart. I wasn’t sure where this was all coming from, but I could tell that something was not right. When she spoke, she stuttered, and even her hands quivered. As I glanced over at Jessica, she clearly was not a fan of Tyrone, either. She just kept rolling her eyes, shaking her head, and smacking her lips as her mother went on-and-on about her man.

  “Ava, would you watch Jessica for a moment? I will be right back.” Auntie hopped up, grabbed her phone, placed it against her ear, and rushed out of the door.

  Confused and concerned, I decided to be nosy. “What’s going on with your mother?”

  “Don’t tell anyone I told you this… but Mamma is not safe with Tyrone. I mean, yeah, he’s a good man when he wants to be, but for the most part, something is seriously wrong with him. He has mood swings. One minute, he’s nice, and then the next, he’s throwing his fist in Mamma’s face.”

  “Is your father aware of this?”

  “No. Mamma made me swear not to say anything to him about it. In fact, she made me promise not to tell anyone.”

  “Well, I understand your loyalty to your mother, Jessica, but you need to tell someone about what’s going on. That man should not be putting his hands on your mother, you, or your sister.”

  Jessica sighed and shook her head at the same time. “I am too young to be this stressed. Every day, I worry about Mamma. Every day, I wish things could just go back to the way they were before D
addy cheated. Why did he have to leave us for another woman? Why do things have to change, Ava?”

  My baby cousin and me had so much in common. Although only seventeen, Jessica had already been through so much. From watching her mother and father separate, to dealing with the consequences of it all. Not only did I sympathize with her pain, I felt it.

  “I wonder if Mamma and Daddy thought about how this would affect Katherine and me. I mean, did they ever take a second to think of how their divorce would make us feel?”

  “I’m not sure what goes through our parents minds, honestly. When my father left my mother for another woman, I was devastated. I resented him. I couldn’t understand why he’d do such a thing. Still to this day, I don’t comprehend it, and still to this day, I feel as though I will never be as good as Autumn and Summer.”

  “Do you sometimes envy your half-sisters?”

  “Sometimes I do. As much as I hate to admit it, I don’t think I’ll ever be as important to my father as Autumn, Summer, and Diane are. I feel like a hand-me-down item standing next to them. It’s always been that way.”

  “That’s sad… but if my dad decided to have children with his new fiancé, I’d probably feel the same way. These men out here are trifling. I just don’t understand why they do the things they do.”

  Agreeing with her statement, I nodded. My lips almost spoke things my mind knew Jessica’s young mentality couldn’t handle. Things that involved the heartache Eugene caused me, and even things I had been doing with Lee and John. I desperately wanted to vent and release my frustrations, but realizing I needed to change the subject, I cleared my throat and said…“How’s school going? Are you still dancing?”

  “School is going great. I graduate this May—finally. And, yes, I’m still dancing. I’d probably lose my mind if I didn’t. Dancing is my life; it keeps me sane. How about you? How’s school? When do you graduate? Isn’t this your last year?”

  “School is a huge headache right now, but I have about four months left before graduation.”

  “That’s good. Are you still planning on getting your PH.D?”

  “I plan on it, but the way things have been going lately, I might need to take a break. A few years perhaps,” I said, joking. We laughed.

  “Well, my mother is very proud of you. She’s always talking about how bright you are. You said you were going to get your degree in nursing, and you’re doing it. I look up to you because of that. You’re my inspiration.”

  “Oh, thank you,” I said, blushing. “The only thing that has motivated me to go this far is my family. If it weren’t for you all, I would’ve given up a long time ago.”

  “Well, I’m glad you’re still standing tall. I miss you guys. Especially auntie and Avelyn. Sometimes I just can’t believe they’re gone.”

  “I can’t believe it either. Since their death, nothing has been the same. Everything feels empty and awkward. I can barely even visit Avery without having the urge to cry. I don’t see how he does it. I don’t see how he can live in the same house we all grew up in knowing that Mamma and Avelyn once lived there.”

  “That’s sad… but at least you still have your brother to talk to.” She paused for a second, and then smiled. “Maybe you can talk Mamma into letting me stay out here with you until I head to New York for the dance academy?”

  I laughed. “Oh, really? Now you know yo mamma is not gonna let you move all the way back to Cincinnati. If I ever took you away from her, she’d have a fit.”

  “She can come with me! She needs to leave Compton too! Man, Compton is nothing like Los Angeles. I miss my old home. Sometimes I wish I could just snap my finger and bring my family back together.”

  “Did you say Compton? You moved to Compton? I thought your new place was still in Los Angeles!”

  “Yes Compton! After the divorce, Mamma, Katherine, and I moved to a two-bedroom townhome on the West Side of Compton. You didn’t know that? Mamma didn’t tell you?”

  “No, I wasn’t aware. I haven’t heard much from anyone since the funeral. On second thought… maybe you should pack ya things and bring ya butt back home with ya big cousin!” We shared a giggle.

  “Man, Ava, if you say it’s okay, and Mamma says it’s okay, I swear I will be back this way after graduation.”

  “Well, I would love having you here. All I do is work, go to school, and argue with my stubborn friends. It’ll be a pleasure to have you around. You turn eight-teen soon, right?”

  “Yes, July 21st! I can’t wait, girl! I really can’t wait!”

  “Child, I couldn’t wait to turn eight-teen either. But soon after, I realized I had to pay bills, work, and be responsible. I sometimes wish I could go back to being a teenager for a day or two.” Again, we laughed.

  “So do you have a boyfriend, Jessica?”

  “No. I had one, but he turned out to be a jerk. He decided to have sex with another girl from my school, because I wasn’t willing to have sex with him. After I found out about it, I kicked his sorry butt to the curve.”

  “That sounds about right. A lot of these young guys can’t keep their thang in their pants. But you did the right thing by cutting him loose. If a man isn’t willing to wait until you’re ready… tell ‘em to kiss your ass.”

  “I know that’s right, because Mamma is not having it. She already told me she’d beat my tale if I gave my virginity away before marriage.”

  “Well do what ya mamma tells ya, darling, because there ain’t nothing better than a pure woman on her wedding day. I sure wish I would’ve listened to my mother before giving the goods to my ex, ex-boyfriend. Child, I was nineteen when I lost my virginity.”

  Right in the middle of our conversation, Katrina stormed back inside the house and demanded Jessica to come along.

  “You’re leaving so soon, Auntie?” I said, standing up walking towards her.

  “Yeah, I gotta head back to California in the morning to take care of some things.”

  Jessica said, “What? I thought we were going to be here for at least one week! We’ve only been here for a day! Can I just stay here with Ava, and then catch a plane back later?”

  “No you may not, Jessica. Come on. We’ve got to go.”

  Jessica rushed towards me, then whispered into my ear. “I do not want to go back home. All they ever do is argue and fight. I can’t even count how many times Tyrone has blacked Mamma’s eye. We can’t go back there. Please do something.”

  After her statement, she gave me a look of desperation. Chills flew down my spine. I didn’t know what to do, and as Katrina dragged her daughter out of the house, I froze.

  CHAPTER 14

  RUN AVA RUN

  My heart and mind were definitely not in sync. While my heart was telling me not to continue down this path, my mind simply did not give a damn. My heart knew that my friends and family only wanted what was best for me, but somehow my mind was convinced they only wanted to stick their heads in my business. I was beyond conflicted. I was insanely frustrated. I mean, I could barely even keep my focus on classwork, let alone listen to my teacher give instructions.

  “Turn to chapter 32, and complete the study-guide-session,” Ms. Adams told us. “You have one hour to do so. Once you’re done, raise your hand, and I’ll provide you your test.”

  The very sound of the word test made me cringe. I knew that over the past months I had not been working as hard as I should’ve. I also knew that if I did not pass the test, I would not be starting the new semester on time. Sighing deeply as I stared at the letters on the page, I realized just how much I wanted to give up. I took a moment and glanced at the rest of the class. Everyone seemed focused—even Kelis. I looked back down at my test and sighed again. Before I knew it, I was rising from my seat, snatching my purse, and dashing towards the exit. I managed to make it halfway down the hall before Ms. Adams stopped me.

  “Ava?! Where are you going?!” she shouted, her voice echoing.

  Slowly, I turned around to face her direction. When she caugh
t up with me, I said, “I’m leaving.”

  “What do you mean you’re leaving? Where are you going?”

  “I don’t know!” I snapped. “But I have to go. I don’t want to do this anymore.”

  Presenting a look of concern and confusion, she paused for a moment. “Ava… wh-why are you doing this? I mean… this test is going to determine whether you’ll have a future as a registered nurse. If you quit now, the three years you’ve already spent here will be for nothing. Is that really how you want to handle this?”

  “Look, Ms. Adams… I get that you want me to succeed. I understand. But right now, I’m not in a good place. This work is too much; I just don’t have the strength to keep forcing myself to continue.”

  “I understand you are going through some things, but like I told you before… I can work with you on that. I can arrange some sort of schedule with you that is more bearable if that’s what you need. But to just stand here and watch you walk out of this door and leave all of your hard work behind… I’m not willing to do that.”

  I hesitated for a second before replying. I then let off a dry smile, followed by a sigh. “I know you probably won’t believe this, Ms. Adams… but I’ve always appreciated you. If it weren’t for you, I don’t know how I would’ve even gotten as far as I have. I am, and will forever be thankful for that. But right now, I gotta go.” Refusing to listen to anything else she had to say, I turned and walked away.

  As soon as I made it outside, I grabbed my phone out of my purse and dialed Jalisa.

  “Hey, what you doin’?”

  “Nothing. Watching television,” she said. “Why? Wassup?”

  “I was hoping you’d want to go out and grab a few drinks or something.”

  “That’s fine, but why so early? I mean, it’s not even noon yet. And aren’t you supposed to be in school?”

  “Girl, that’s an entirely different conversation. I’ll talk to you about that when I see you. Did you want to get a few drinks, or what?”